I never asked for too much,
Not a kiss, not even the slightest touch
Though in my heart I have this one honest plea
it’s that if you could, then please wait for me.

My heart is currently on the mend,
Doesn’t matter how much I pretend
It feels like dying every single day
My heart’s at the bottom, safely locked away.

All of this is a risk I know
Ive known this from a long time ago
All my strings are out of tune
My thoughts as far as we are from the moon

Should I wish I’d have never loved at all?
Should I have locked myself behind higher walls?
Is it better not to have been hurt?
Or forever live with the pain for all it’s worth?

I never asked for too much
Not the moon or the sky, or anything as such.
it’s just that till my heart is ready,
then please, please wait for me.

One year ago today, I never could’ve wrapped my mind around the possibility of our story ending. It would’ve been too painful to even think it. There wasn’t any cause for anything to end. It was simply impossible.

Now, standing in front of the inescapable reality, it feels so surreal. I’m half-hoping that I’ll wake up from this dream. I guess you don’t know how that feels. To be rested and secure in something you thought as permanent and forever that when the pain hits you, it sweeps you off your feet and knocks the breath out of your lungs.

I am a firm believer of the saying “everything happens for a reason…” it is that single thought I hold on to when the rest of it doesn’t seem to make sense. Everything that happened, is happening and will happen is what’s meant to be. It makes me sad, no doubt. It’s like losing an arm or a vital organ. But I guess it’s meant to be this way.

On days when I least expect it, I find that it’s tugging at me, I mean, the hollowness of losing you brought me. It’s the kind of sadness that feels faraway. Like the one you get when you think of your childhood when you go to the mall clutching your mother’s hand, or when your parents force you to stick to your bedtime; or the warm afternoons of playing tag; you can’t help but smile at the memories which is nice altogether but you accept that that is all they are. Memories.

One by one, I’m going to pack these memories and put them away somewhere deep within me. It will remind me of the best days of my life, when I knew what it meant to love unselfishly and be loved with a painful yet a genuine kind of love.

Our story. It was heartbreakingly beautiful.

No, we are not infinite. Our memories are.

Five years into the future we go
Along with a million tears you wouldn’t know
For sure I’d still remember your name
I couldn’t tell if I’d still be the same

Your sad goodbye, a hole in my heart it tore
Even the blue skies threatened numbness into my core
It felt like it’s been ages
Still counting days and empty pages

You said someday I’ll understand
I still don’t get why you stopped holding my hand
And maybe it was for the better
Maybe it was for the best
Maybe if I tried a little harder
I won’t have these to confess

But somehow I think that was the last of it
Last of our personal threads tightly knit
And I’ll always know I can never write something new
For my story, all along, will always be you.

Truth is, deep inside,
we all have something to hide
All the secrets we’d never tell
all the stories, even the memories
all the pain that brought us hell

whatever it is that keeps us here
will always hold us down with fear
How I long to sail away
from this shore, to look for more
to lose myself even for a day

They can’t say we haven’t tried
When all we have is our pride
Not this pretentious game
you don’t have to ask, it’s just mask
in the end, it’s what makes us the same

Even as I write this poetry
in ennui, I write hopelessly
we all just want to live
though it be improbable, even if impossible
we’re emptied of everything there is to give.

so we live in the moment
forgetting all our torments
nothing really lasts forever
so we all try to get by
because life is cruel and clever

we’ll get there by and by
dry the tears from our eyes
don’t waste time asking why
Coz in the end, it’s still goodbye

 
A hundred years from now,
My body’s worn and wrinkled
Just like after the awaking of Mr. Rip Van Winkle
My hair is silvery gray or black with dye
But may the things you taught me refuse to die
 
A hundred years from now,
My pruned-up lips can barely smile
In ancient clothes that are out of style
Somehow I hope to recall
How you helped burn down my walls

A hundred years from now,
I may be down to my last tooth,
And all hope is lost for the fountain of youth
Yet I will still be blessed
For you pushed me to do all my best

A hundred years from now,
You may be gone or still alive somehow
When I’m too old to count the days that pass
Still in my heart will be the verses in Sunday School class
These are the things that’ll always last
 
A hundred years from now,
When the future is finally the present
I will then be reminiscent
Of how your life touched mine
Simply because you took the time
I hope, this, God will allow
For me to remember you
Even a hundred years from now

is it too late to start over again?
when you’re gone, all i can do is ask myself “what then?”
when i told you that i love you
you just smiled and said “i know you do”

all these time, i didnt know
you just didnt want your feelings to show
but now, is it too late?
on this love, have we lost all our faith?

why did you just tell me now?
now that everything’s gone somehow
that would be a dream come true
when you have me and i have you

you told me everything’s possible
then why werent you there to break my fall?
the embraces we shared in delight
got the best of me that night

the feeling stayed with me
and somehow it made me see
to me, you never really lost your value,
it’s just that i learned to live my life without you

haven’t i told you or haven’t you asked
about me wearing my masks?
i wear one everyday
to hide myself, in my own way

all the smiles and the lies
had been nothing but a disguise
at the same time, I’m compelled to pay the price
the pain and agony I couldn’t verbalize

the freedom and liberty it provides
gives me captivity and suicide
it comforts me through the night
but I never really felt alright

it’s as if my hands are clean
i had to lose myself in order to win
it built me a shelter to hide within
but I couldnt see that the walls are now caving in

it’s something i need, a major part of me
it’s hard to let go, coz it makes me feel so free
through my eyes, the world i see
but the world sees another person that isn’t me

When my smile becomes shallow,
And my words a lil’ too hollow,
Please take that as a cue to follow.
Listen to me.

I don’t need no wise words
You need not come with drawn swords
I’d do much better without discord
Listen to me.

But somehow I know, it’ll end the same
Just like the other day, we played the blame game
But in all honesty, I claim
I just want you to listen to me

My thoughts, burden and my fears
My broken heart and my welled-up tears
These are what i wanted you to hear
Listen to me.

I’m sometimes in roads so rough
I admit I’m not really what you can call tough
Any time I’ll crumble, that’s sure enough
Listen to me.

These locked up words are poison in my veins
Falling down on me like acid rain
So please just let me explain
Then you’ll see how crucial twas for me
If you were me, I know you’d agree
To simply talk it out is my one & only plea
So please listen to me

Dear Time

by Josiah, Rena and Sharon Spears. :)

 

Dear Time
For all the goodbyes you’ve put me through
It saddens me that I can never be apart from you
And as I sulk, you unmercifully pass me by
Taking away everything dear to me without telling me why

Dear Time
Your hourglass is continually draining
From top to bottom, the latter one gaining
You’ve taught me happiness, you’ve taught me sorrow
Now please let me find hope in your tomorrow

Dear Time
Now you’ve left me with three days
To pour my heart out in numerous ways
Your austere veneer has fooled my perception
Though I can’t say what you’ve done is utter deception

Dear Time
Now we’re down to two
Twon’t be long now, I’ll have said goodbye to the life I knew
These rhymes will never do justice
I, myself, have found new ways to clutch this

Dear Time
Now with one day left in my old life
I wish I can do anything to ease the strife
Of the pain, of parting and of letting go.
My wishing and longing, you’ll never know.

Dear Time
This last request might sound very shallow
But, is there, by any chance, a moment I could borrow?
If not, then teach me to be thankful, and teach me to be content
Teach me to smile even in tears of lament
 
Dear Time,
Though it may be that you never hit a pause
Your lessons slowly purge me of my flaws
But someday, one day, I’ll cheat on you
When I step into eternity and bid you ado.

Maybe then I’ll be able to see,
All the plans and purposes my King has for me
Then all the goodbyes will finally make sense
No more will I hide behind my pathetic pretense
 
Yes, dearest time, I do miss that part of me
For tomorrow, there’s no guarantee
But I will always look forward to your utmost uncertainty
So I could trust and rest in my Lord wholly and completely.


————————————————————————————————————————————————-

FOOTNOTE: Josiah, Rena and I started this poem on January 16, 2010. Our last sleepover at the Spears. Stanzas 1-7 were conceived on that date. I was supposed to finish it as soon as possible, even after they leave. But it took a little more than it should. :D It was completed 2 months after  (March 31, 2010)

Bears & Dolls

Now there’s not much to say
Even if there was a way
And there’s not a lot to give
While we still continue to live

If there was ever a time
When you didn’t give your mark
I’d still hold onto mine
Even if we fought over Tony Stark

Even as I lament
I smile at the words you meant
And I’d never trade them for anything
Not even a whole case of Sting :]

They tell us we’ll never meet again
But maybe time will eventually lend
One more moment for the last hug we never got
Or one more time for you to use the Netti Pot

Now I’ll cease to make you cry
Now that the close is drawing nigh
And we’ve said our last goodbye
Still don’t regret that we were so shy

I’ll miss you telling me my hair looks black
And how your weathered cell phone brought you back
I’ll miss your burnt offering joke
And I’ll miss how we’d pervert drinking coke

There’s also Siah calling you Rose
And our poem about someone’s toes
I’ll miss how we never finished any movies
And never forget how quiet you sneeze O.o

I hope you know how much I love you
And hate how we must now bid a-do
But someday in heaven, we’ll bow at His feet
With a glorified body & yours might be petite

These silly rhymes, I hope gave you a smile
If so, do leave it on for a while
If it goes away, give me a dial (what?)

Now I must close
Time waves as it goes
I’ll remember you from your head to your toes
And our memories—can’t forget those!

I’ll never forget my Sharbear
With her beautiful black hair
And I’ll always be her Rena-doll
Even if, by chance, I ever grow tall